If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
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*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
About to throw up
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
4 year old has a new bit where he pretends to have a fatal scooter accident. it’s very funny but the other patrons of the farmer’s market seemed alarmed
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
Sometimes you send an email that requires a response, and the other person writes back right away, and it’s like NO NOT YET.
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.