If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
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Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
If not now, then when? If not you, then who?
— the pile laundry on my loveseat begging me to fold it
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
I went to order a book this morning and they said I needed to add two more to qualify for free shipping and obviously that just makes good financial sense anyway 14 books are on the way
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
respect
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.