If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
You Might Also Like
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
Deciding which personality is going to respond to an email
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks