If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
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Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.