If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
You Might Also Like
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
76% of pardoned turkeys end up back in the system
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
Approached a patron who was cooking a pot of ramen at a study table and said “I’m sorry but you can’t do that in the library.”
Indignantly they responded “Where do you expect me to do it? At my house?”
And I was like “Well when you say it like that it does sound unreasonable.”
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
I like long walks away from everyone
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
A Dutch way of saying “we’re on it” or “we’ll take care of that for you” is we zullen dat varkentje wel even wassen. It means “we will certainly get that piglet washed”
* read on for more porcine phrases from around the world (a big pig thread)…
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.