If you pull this stunt in front of me at security stg I’ll call the cops
You Might Also Like
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can happen, will happen.
Kellogg’s Law: When pouring milk into your cereal you will always hit the one flake that makes it shoot across the table.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
[forgetting what kombucha is called] do you guys sell bacteria cider
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
i want it utterly assaulted.
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-