If you pull this stunt in front of me at security stg I’ll call the cops
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I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
Breaking news:
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.