If you pull this stunt in front of me at security stg I’ll call the cops
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Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
Some people were born into their job.
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
me: omg goth bath bombs
santa: that’s charcoal
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
The woke left? Without saying goodbye?
Any job can be a temp job if you forcibly swaddle your boss like an infant
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol