If you purchase flame retardant pants, you can tell all the f****ng lies you want.
You Might Also Like
Imagine the excruciating discomfort of having nothing to say to a child and choosing to compliment it on its gait. I myself don’t have to imagine.
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
Taliband
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket