If you purchase flame retardant pants, you can tell all the f****ng lies you want.
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Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
I thought this was funny lol
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.