If you purchase flame retardant pants, you can tell all the f****ng lies you want.
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i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
The hospitality industry is always looking for influencers who can bring visibility to their business. YOU could be that influencer! and having your own professional travel blog is how you do it! Click here to start your own travel blog #ad
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
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Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.