if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
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Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
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I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now