If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
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I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
I hate this language when a pastor has an affair.
“He fell”
Bro, what did he trip on? His own unbuckled pants?
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
my friends: we are having babies, also we just got engaged, also we’ve just bought a house
me: a man with a history of not texting me back has liked an Instagram story, do we think this means something
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
Hear me out: WrestleVania
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
If you think about it, technically corn dogs are just Beef Wellington in a different tax bracket.
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?