If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
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MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
If you fall asleep long enough the steering wheel gives you a pillow.
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄