Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.

“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner

I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you

I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.

The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?

Follow people around the park while carrying 10 rubber chickens. There’s no law that says you can’t.

A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.

Guess he was lucky

*puts on sunglasses*

It was a soft drink

#FFFC

Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry

Me: I don’t like you now

Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.

I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.

This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.

Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.

ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.

My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.

Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something

when you order from DoorDastardly

Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough

Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”

Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”

Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.

Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker

There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.

if bears could make porridge the temperature would be like the last thing on my list of concerns

Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.

Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.

My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.

I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.

“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.

*Food hits floor*

Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”

King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”

I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly

wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat

Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.