If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
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You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
🌲😼
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
This is completely inappropriate. Where do I sign up?
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
playing pool? you mean swimming?
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
people who take naps are the real heroes out there, it takes courage to wake up twice in a day.
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.