If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
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Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
I asked myself if I was the problem and we said no
I’m so glad the internet is like this now.
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
Karate and loose meat sandwiches.
Welcome to Sloppy Dojo’s. I’ll be your sensei for this evening.
All salads come with our own roundhouse dressing