If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
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You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
If you fall asleep long enough the steering wheel gives you a pillow.
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.