Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating

Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow

and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE

Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-

Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE

Dinosaur 911: same color as you?

Dinosaur: YES

Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?

Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh

Most people in your life will come and go but occasionally you’ll meet someone really special who makes you contemplate murder.

The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.

One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.

We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.

invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book

Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.

I’m being attacked 😭

When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.

My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.

Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it

I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.

[at sperm bank]

“Do you have anything on clearance?”

does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?

Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*

Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats

The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.

Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.

*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?

Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?

Donkey: What?

Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty

Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction

I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.

Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”

Me trying to walk in a dream

Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?

7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.

Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.

Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.

I haven’t run out of receipt yet.

do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes

have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely

Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.