If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
You Might Also Like
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!