If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
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Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
Apologizing after bumping into a mannequin is embarrassing, but apologizing a second time is significantly worse when the mannequin moves and you realize you just said “sorry, I thought you were a person” to a live human being
As per my last nervous breakdown
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
this is the kind of friend i am
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
happy valentine’s day to me
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade