If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
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Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
christening a ship with an overripe banana
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
cry laughing at this shit
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
Normalize saying “the end” when you want a conversation to be over
Calling them “tricks” undermines everything I’m trying to do with the yo-yo.
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-