If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
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Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
best review i’ve ever seen
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
cat faces on other animals, a thread
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung