@Lovestained555

If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?

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@SortaBad

people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground

@SomthinBoutSara

Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail

@UncleDuke1969

Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.

@envydatropic

Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.

@murrman5

[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident

@UnFitz

[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.

@totallymel

my grandfather destroyed the economy w/ the overproduction of coins he pulled from behind my ears. the market simply could not deal

@BoogTweets

Date: you know that was just a filter, right?

Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine

@PeaceInTruth1

A car gets better traction in the snow if you throw a couple of coworkers in the trunk.

@UnFitz

[at the office]

Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.

Me: When did it arrive?

Secretary: 1983.

Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.