If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
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what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
Turtles made out of plastic straws, problem solved