Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.

You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?

Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?

Me: living

I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.

ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there

CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you

ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name

CS: sure, it’s janice

JANICE: thank you

: you’re welcome

Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.

The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.

Got kicked out of Scale Model Club for suggesting we change our name to the Itty Bitty City Committee.

On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant

Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’

DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work

Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.

wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”

Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.

it’s so hard to see someone else living your dream

Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.

Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are

I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do

I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.

Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.

Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺

What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..

I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.

So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea

when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg

Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.

me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar

I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.

When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?

Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.