If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
You Might Also Like
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
My employer & colleagues all believe I am hard of hearing. I’m not. But it gets me out of having to engage in frivolous conversations & taking part in pointless hour-long meetings that could have been condensed into a 2 minute email. I get so much more work done as a “deaf” guy.
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
The days of good grammer has went
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
wife: be careful climbing that ladder, it looks dangerous
me: hey, danger’s my middle name
daughter: WHAT?!?
son: SERIOUSLY?!? And I got stuck with Andrew???
I’ve never met a cake I didn’t want to fork.
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
I just saw a payphone and bet my 6yo $5 that she couldn’t tell me what it was.
Safest bet I ever made.
Good morning
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel