Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*pretends floor is lava*

*looks around*

*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*

Uterus: cry

Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-

Uterus: CRY.

I’m not embarrassed.

I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.

(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)

It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.

trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training

It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.

911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*

*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft

Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-

Me: I’ll take it.

Them: Sir?

Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.

So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.

Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles

My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.

I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.

He’s hoping to make big bucks.

[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]

I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.

I ordered a hamburger today, but what I got was more of a beef wafer.

There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.

*gets crushed by a bus*

*checks to see if phone is intact*

in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground

knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party

I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.

Cauliflower: *ring ring*

Textiflower: *ping*

If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.

I’m sorry, but nothing is topping this 😭

[excerpt from my failed job application]

MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops

Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.

I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning

spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?

date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve

How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.