If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
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Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
So help me if I only taste dos leches in my tres leches cake
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.