If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
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Them: it’s a fool’s errand
Me: then I’m the man for the job
This is Narla. She was not allowed to go to the park. And now you are not allowed on the couch. 13/10
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
“And what is it about this job that appeals to you?”
“Well, I can fit it in around my lifestyle. Also being able to pardon myself for the crimes I’ve committed”
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
i actually laughed 😩
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*