If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
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Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
I can’t wait til I have hearing aids, so I can just turn them off when I’m tired of hearing everyone.
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.