@PaulyPeligroso

If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”

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@Home_Halfway

I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.

@SkippyMcGizzard

How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?

~ all countries

@_LittleMsBossy_

Apparently saying ‘exist over there’ while pointing is not the best way to greet people in the mornings.

@UnFitz

[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.

@Kendragarden

If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby

@DontTouchMyWine

I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.

@girlnarly

[first day as a hairdresser]

customer: can you take off a foot?

me: *sharpening axe* no problem

@irishrygirl

My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.

@Kristen_Arnett

got to inbox zero and a feeling of wellness entered my body, my skin cleared up, immediately hydrated, perfect 20/20 vision, all my pants fit, best hair day

@kcmoore51

[sanitation worker knocks at my door]

The amount of McDonald’s related trash we’re collecting from your home each week has us concerned.