If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
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I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
And that about sums it up.
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week