If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
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A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?