If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
You Might Also Like
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
what do you mean you’re the glamdalorian
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
[guy who’s in a bad mood until lunchtime every day] yeah im kinda weird I guess, i don’t need breakfast
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?