Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo

Me: I want you to make me a better person

Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now

Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.

Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.

You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.

Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?

I’m a carb girl, born and bread

Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option

When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.

The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for

Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.

I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.

[first day as a teacher]

me: today we’re learning the alphabet

kid: that’s easy

me: no it’s A-Z idiot

scary then: a phone call came from inside the house

scary now: a phone call

cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try

Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.

If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was

ME: *so high I’m screaming*

WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!

Working with older people is annoying sometimes. Sir, your lunch at my age was Gin. Why you hassling me about adding salad dressing?!

Me: pick and choose your battle.

My son: I choose every battle.

My new monthly budget

Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500

I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup

You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.

There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.

Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.

4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.

Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI

Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull

what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet

[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]

Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?