Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can understand why chickens wake up and scream

do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence

I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.

Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?

Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.

Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.

Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.

Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*

Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.

How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?

Delighted to report that we have a 100% safety record so far this yea… never mind.

God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?

My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”

Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?

My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.

What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.

Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..

*how I slept

INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?

There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.

I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.

My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas

It’s me, I’m the remote start.

{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers

If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house

Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”

Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m

This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.

Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.

“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it

PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.

Sex is like ice fishing.

If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.

flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency

the highest guy you have ever seen: yes

actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits

Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]

Him: How old is your child?

Me: Child?