If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
You Might Also Like
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
“Turn chicken shit into chicken salad” is a terrible saying. I still don’t wanna eat that chicken salad. It used to be chicken shit
i still think about this 10yr old post a lot
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
unmuting at the end of a call just to say “nothing from my end, thanks”
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
I’m making fish cakes covered in breadcrumbs. I’ve never been covered in breadcrumbs before, never mind made fish cakes.
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
What’s the best registration plate you’ve seen?
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me