Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my friend came out to her parents first because she didn’t want to choose her new name and she “liked their work the first time”

If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.

*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top

This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒

Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car

As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.

The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.

Golf would be better with landmines.

COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis

I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.

Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.

There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving

I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.

Her face will be on currency one day.

Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.

At least, I think it went south.

It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…

We don’t speak Bingo here…

Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.

Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.

I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.

Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda

Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff

[being held hostage]

Me: this is nice

Kidnapper: what

Me: I love to be held

Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.

Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you

I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie

this was the best i’ve ever seen

Interviewer: What skills do you have?

Me: Mind control

Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB

Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.

My Quarantine Routine:

8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in

A fun thing for an author to do would be to have the last line of the book be something like “he said, in his Jamaican accent, which he’d had this whole time.” Make the audiobook narrator have to start the whole thing over.

a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke

I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….