If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
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Either there are two cops in my fridge or I’ve accidentally opened the front door again
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
North and South
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
Me: 🎶I don’t wanna work
I wanna bang on my drum all day
Every day when I get home from work
I feel so frustrated, the boss is a jerk
I get my sticks and go out to the shed
And I pound on that drum like it was the boss’s head
Because-🎶Boss: Reminder to mute yourselves, please
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
my sixth grade gifted program class had to do presentations on our favorite US presidents. i procrastinated until the due date and chose nixon last-minute because i thought his last name sounded cool. i discovered watergate halfway through making the powerpoint but held my ground
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields