If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
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Of course I have critical thinking skills I’m thinking critically of you right now.
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
You can’t cancel our date I just put a new garbage bag over my broken car window
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
“Cows kill more people than sharks.”
“I’m surprised cows kill any sharks at all.”
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
[I walk into my girlfriend’s house where she’s dressed like a cheerleader]: oh sorry you’re watching the game I’ll come back
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
These work great until they don’t.
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
I had to Stop for this
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.