If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
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If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
Church Pugh’s
Got fired on my first day working at the drugstore for calling my new coworkers my pharmily.
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
“What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”
Well I sure as shit felt better at 21 so imma call bullshit
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
I only wear my Rolex when I go to car dealerships to watch the salesmen fight over me
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
Fuck cryptocurrency I want cryptidcurrency
I wanna buy illegal shit off the dark web with pictures of Bigfoot
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
despite popular opinion dating apps are NOT for dating. they are for finding people to watch your instagram story for years and years
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
Microsoft: “Press any key to continue.”
Also Microsoft: “Well, except THAT one.”