If you read one of my posts and get mad that it doesn’t apply to your specific personal experience, you should know that I did it on purpose. I considered every possible experience and reaction and left yours out. I work against you from the shadows and will continue doing so.
![]()
You Might Also Like
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
Seems kinda suspicious
![]()
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
![]()
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
My Guy
![]()