If you read one of my posts and get mad that it doesn’t apply to your specific personal experience, you should know that I did it on purpose. I considered every possible experience and reaction and left yours out. I work against you from the shadows and will continue doing so.
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
How do I tell my family I think it’s best if we start seeing other families.
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
