If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
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As a parent on vacation, the absolute dumbest thing you can do is let the kids stay up late, assuming they’ll sleep in. Ask me how I know.
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
surely got to be a better way to end each section of this Mental Health training course
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
When your best mate counts as a desk too
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
now is it just me or does this dress look like she’s making pasta from scratch.
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.