Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?

my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”

me as soon as i see the dogs:

First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with Friends

Him:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*

aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors

Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.

They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update

I like to take long walks away from stupid people

Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word

*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect

well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem

6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.

ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own

FRIEND: that sucks

ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work

Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.

Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*

Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax

“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.

My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”

me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?

Five Guys: thats a peanut.

My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.

The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.

When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”

what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine

Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???

Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷‍♂️🤷‍♂️🤷‍♂️

*carpools to work*

Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops

My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”

Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.

could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer

My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.

We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.

This should be good.

I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction

My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?

She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.

Good dog. ❤️