Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones

“Hi I’m returning this book, and before you say anything, it was checked out to me like this.”
“It was checked out to you wet?”
“…Yes.”
“In that case I commend you on managing to not let it dry out over the past two weeks and can I ask for your hydration regimen?”

I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.

Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked

Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago

We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.

Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!

California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring

is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?

If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old

My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.

Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.

Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.

boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities

me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room

Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.

Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”

I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.

One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.

My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting

*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*

*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!

I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…

Sticker placement is key.

Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.

Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.

My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana

When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.

They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.

The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.

That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.

remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot

I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.

[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*

Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”