If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
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100% of divorces begin with marriage.
wtf management?!
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
“Turn chicken shit into chicken salad” is a terrible saying. I still don’t wanna eat that chicken salad. It used to be chicken shit
I don’t like the person I become when my boss tells me I should be working while at work
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
I hereby declare this fall as The Fall of B!
Oh wait.
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
If twitter has taught me anything alot of us aren’t ready for a spelling bee
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
just drank a fifth of lava lamp juice, dare me to drive?
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs