If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
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Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
Gonna tell my dentist that if I’m late, he should start without me.
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
Happy Taco Tuesday
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.