If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
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Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
Genius.
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
become ungovernable
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
make up your mind
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
why is being alive so expensive. I’m not even having a good time.
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
welp
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
No matter how many times I read this, it always makes me happy.
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day