Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want

Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*

no their not

Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:

Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things

Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.

[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son

*working in pediatric ER*

kid: *pointing* what are those wipes

me: these are special wipes we use in the hospital to kill bacteria and viruses and keep surfaces clean 😊

kid: viruses aren’t technically alive so you can’t kill them

kids mom: honey don’t embarrass the doctor

That’s no pocket rocket.

My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.

If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions

*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”

People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it

I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.

Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter

Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes

Him: *gets the handcuffs out*

Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*

Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?

That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.

[airport]

GF: I guess this is goodbye

ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes

GF: [crying] Goodbye

ME: [trying real hard] Hello

I’m forming a Wham! cover band with 3 other bald guys called Hairless Whisper.

Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.

You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck

[ english class ]

me: this is useless, i’m outta here

*20 years later*

judge: please rise for your sentence

me: my what

“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?

Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”

-Teenagers

There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.

I had a well check visit today & my doctor, in the middle of listening to my chest, asked me how the library was & if it was busy now that kids were back in school.

I don’t work at a library. I don’t know what he’s talking about.

I just rolled with it. The library is fiiiiiine.

Me: can I borrow $20?

Friend: No.

*slides him $50*

Me: how about now?

confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands