Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
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Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA