@ClearlyUnwell

If you really love someone never let them out your basement.

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@English_Muffin

But officer, I put the phone down as soon as I saw that you saw me using it…

@LackOfShame

Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.

@WineMummy

When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.

You’re welcome.

@ObscureGent

Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.

@FaisalAdam_

This, being a gentleman thing really works. Women just fall for me when I offer them my handkerchief. Sure it’s dabbed in chloroform…

@iwearaonesie

9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this

@InternetHippo

doctor: your wife has gone into labour

me: oh no

wife (yelling from a distance): RAISE THE MINIMUM WAGE

@buchtweets

“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.

@TweetPotato314

pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end

@SamGrittner

Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.