But officer, I put the phone down as soon as I saw that you saw me using it…
If you really love someone never let them out your basement.
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Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
This, being a gentleman thing really works. Women just fall for me when I offer them my handkerchief. Sure it’s dabbed in chloroform…
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
doctor: your wife has gone into labour
me: oh no
wife (yelling from a distance): RAISE THE MINIMUM WAGE
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.