I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
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Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.