If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
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Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
used to be as a frog you could say “ribbit.” but you can’t do that anymore. because of croak
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
Somewhere in an alternate universe
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
What’s Ticketmaster’s favourite Christmas song?
Fleeced Navidad
#GoldCrackers
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer