Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.

Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.

*proposes to girlfriend*

*accidentally drops ring in the street*

“I’ll still marry you”

Sorry, I’m married to the streets now

Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings

Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.

do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success

I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.

Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money

Me: please, I have a family

Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you

Me: but I have a family

Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?

Me: more than anything

Pajamas are so cute. Like, let me go put on a little outfit to be unconscious.

i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved

GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational

ANGEL: ok cool

GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol

One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”

Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?

Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!

“Want me to tell you how to murder someone and get away with it?”

—my 9yo, making conversation at lunch. At a restaurant. In public.

Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?

My daughter got to pack her own lunch for the last day of school and it included a donut, 2 bags of chips, a shaker of sprinkles, and 1 tiny baby carrot because “it’s important to be healthy”

“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter

Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.

*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s raining

Neil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no

Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?

All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.

NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”

– a cephalopodcast

Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?

How to pet your cat:

1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong

If there’s power banjo and a mandolin in the song, you get to drive five miles over the speed limit in business areas.

What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?

It’s been six years since my job interview.

I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.

THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.

ME: What’s the grass situation?

[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]

vending machine: i have a boyfriend