If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
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You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
*aggressively waits in line*
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
I may look calm but on the inside I’m 28 over-caffeinated panic attacks in a trench coat
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
To the knife wielding psycho who walked in on me in the shower; I’m sorry you had to see that
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”