If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
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“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
I may forget what I opened the fridge for but I remember every time anyone has ever wronged me
Today’s meltdown is brought to you because when your kid asked for a “plain pb&j,” what they actually wanted was a pb&j in the shape of a plane
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
8: I wrote my list for Santa
Me: aren’t you going to ask how he is before you launch into your list of demands?
8: P.S. so…. how’s it going?
Me: perfect
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.