If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
You Might Also Like
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
I got patted down by airport security.
Apparently, I am not supposed to reciprocate.
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
Landlords are so amazing. Do I think it’s possible that five gallons of water have fallen through the light fixture and onto a bucket on my bathroom floor because the upstairs neighbors “are not shutting the shower curtain properly”? No, my sibling in Christ, I do not.
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
