If you really think about it, extraordinary isn’t that great. It’s just an extra helping of ordinary.
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What I say and what I mean are three different things.
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
my mental health would drastically increase if I could be involved in a heist like once or twice a month, even better if there’s a fun montage included
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
couldn’t resist
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’