Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*bumps into old work colleague*
*chats for 30 seconds*
Them: “we should totally catch up soon”
My brain: no, this was enough catching!

I could never give up my dog, he knows too much

My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”

CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie

AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?

CANADIAN: What’s that about?

AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank

me: can i have a raise?

boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals

me: by giving me more money

this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead

Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…

There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.

Hands: Hold my beer.

Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack

Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem

me: aw i look so cute

my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?

on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it

can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture

I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.

I am so honored to have won the “Workplace Menace” award. This award is given annually to the Workplace Menace. Also I am not employed here

Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?

Her: I can’t quite tell

Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves

Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…

The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait

*cold day in hell

Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?

Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth

i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking

me: [has anything]

my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that

Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying

husband: we should role play tonight

me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad

husband: huh, that’s oddly specific

me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it

There are two types of people:

-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods

-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits

(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good

I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.

EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?

Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.

my nickname in college

God: take it

Satan: no you take it

God: no you take it

Satan: i dont want it

God: well its no good to me

Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name