Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.

*turns on broadcast TV*

Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?

*sees Activia ad*

*sees Metamucil ad*

*sees Cialis ad*

I think I have the answer.

My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.

She has spoken more words today than I did in December.

Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.

Me: my husband’s snoring

Therapist: let me rephrase

Me: “At last, sunny weather! Time to go outside and develop a healthy glow!”

Pollen: “I’m going to make you look like you’ve been pepper sprayed”

7: Momma, I need $10

Me: Why?

7: I can’t tell you.

Me: Then I can’t give it to you.

7: (sigh) Fine, it’s for a deal I made at school.

Me: A deal!?

7: (big sigh) I’m bringing money, Carson is giving me toys.

My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.

I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”

I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.

“How do you find anything in here?!”

-my mugger, giving my purse back

I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.

I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.

My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.

ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!

FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?

ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.

My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.

Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge

Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?

Writer: Mission Impossible 9!

Producer: BRILLIANT!

God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?

Lion: yes.

God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?

Lion: no why?

[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]

God: I guess I’ll delete them then.

Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!

I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles

They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.

As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.

My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”

I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”

Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?

Me: party?

Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves

Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”

JUDAS: any weekend plans?

JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided

JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both

JESUS: what?

JUDAS: what?

Introverts hate small talk. They LOVE tickle fights but they’re shy. They want you to start

[exam room]

me: *waits patiently*

doctor: *enters physicianly*

All of my best ideas involve jail time.