Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words

I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals

I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5

I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced

da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer

B2….

or not B2…

That might be the number.

–Shakespearean Bingo Caller

“so what brings you to therapy today?”

my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music

Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.

So the ex texted me

More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.

we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive

Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.

WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause

WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet

I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.

Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit

ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.

I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.

But no, she’s still alive.

If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies

Fiction has to make sense.

It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.

ME: holy shit is that the pope?!

HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride

Humidity is great because then people think it’s not my fault that my hair looks like this.

Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?

“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.

If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.

What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs

Not me, adding double spaces after a period to annoy my teen.

My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”