If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
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So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
Hey! This isn’t my car!
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
You can make friends in a doctor’s waiting room as long as you have something broken and not something coughing
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
Dietest Coke
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO