If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
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Breaking news:
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
What do you call someone who chews all day?
A train
¯_(ツ)_/¯
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
Remember candidates for class president making promises for things they would have no power to implement? Just like real presidential candidates.
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.