Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search

Dentist: please stop

looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs

If you drink five of those 5 Hour Energy drinks in one day you unlock the secret 25th hour and you also die

When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.

Breaking news:

Nothing infuriates me more than when I’m on my phone and something wants me to scan a QR code. With what Jan? With. What.

In your 20’s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40’s you hope you don’t fall in the yard when nobody’s home.

If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name

[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell

If you love someone set them free? Girl, I can’t even get rid of the 257 plastic bags under my sink.

Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful

[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit

Swedish for common sense.

Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”

Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.

Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.

[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?

ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.

CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?

ME: When I look up.

A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”

1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”

“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”

Instagram: look how pretty everything is

Facebook: look how easy everything is

Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest

Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is

my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs

I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.

*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?

Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.

Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?

Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.

I know karate and tons of other words.

marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad