I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
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If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
It seems Bichon Frisé is a dog breed and not, as indicated in the recipe, a fancy salad green. We regret any confusion this may have caused.
I lost a very close friend and drinking buddy last week.
She got her finger caught in a wedding ring.