@13spencer

If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.

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@mishakey

If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.

@trashcanbee

took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired

@OctopusCaveman

My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.

@rockymomax

HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD

@jwblvd

MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.

ME: *thinks for a bit* …k

MAGICIAN: That is a letter.

ME: omg ur right

@markydoodoo

[inventing the pelican]

god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone

@yonewt

It seems Bichon Frisé is a dog breed and not, as indicated in the recipe, a fancy salad green. We regret any confusion this may have caused.

@DecantAndPour

I lost a very close friend and drinking buddy last week.

She got her finger caught in a wedding ring.