if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
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Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
the joy of watching bob’s burgers on Disney+ is slightly diminished knowing Mickey is legally allowed to hunt me for sport because I signed up for the streaming service
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
did it work
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
This scene was so out of pocket looking back 😭 ☠️
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.