Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.

Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys

I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.

I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.

I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.

I went to an antique auction. Three people bid on me.

“Dress for the job you want”, they say. Well, I always wanted to be a professional boxer, and now I can’t open this packet of crisps, so thanks a bunch for that.

I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore

I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.

dr: do you smoke?

me: only after sex

dr: so how often is that?

me: *turning to 12* when were you born?

do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to

Clock: oh shit, I am

Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast

bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is

me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot

bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?

What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought

went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward

I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.

Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?

Roman: Just the one, thanks

The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.

I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet

we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head

Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too

The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked

[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?

I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.

Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal

wtf management?!

This strip mall certainly is misleading

And I probably should put my clothes back on now.

band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS

Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are

The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind