If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
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CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
me during winter: will I ever love again
me the moment the sun comes out: I have fallen in love four times in the same stretch of road
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.