Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Knowing WHY you’re crying is for amateurs

I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train

Why is it that every time I set foot in a post office with any sense of urgency at all there’s a guy directly in front of me trying to mail an aardvark to his cousin in Peru or some shit? Never fails.

So many cheeses would work as baby names:

Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat

BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?

SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.

ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t

I come from a long line of successful people.

I decided to stop that tradition.

Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.

Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones

Me: how’d you get out of the casket

I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…

I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.

I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…

[Text]

18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!

Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?

My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again

If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.

Mensa should be calling any day now.

I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.

We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.

.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?

I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”

We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot

https://video.twimg.com/tweet_video/EGzdUc0XUAEM24f.mp4

ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school

Ah..makes sense now

Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.

Her: Have you seen the salsa?

Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom

Her:

1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up

My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.

Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.

Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.

Definitely a first.

It was pretty cool.

Behind every robot that turns evil is an engineer who specifically installed red LEDs into the eyes just for this scenario.

Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.

Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.

Cop: “Do you know how fast you were going?”

Me: “Officer, I’m focused on the future.”

Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.