My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
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In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?