If you receive an e-mail that says: ”FREE JUSTIN BIEBER CONCERT TICKETS” Don’t open it! It may contain free Justin Bieber concert tickets.

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By the third kid you say stuff like “here’s a dollar. Throw your tooth in the garbage and the Tooth fairy will pick it out later.”


The fact that crocodile ate your enemy, does not make him your friend.


Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.


Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon


GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this


Cat: *purr*

Me: Good morning!

Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*

Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!

Cat: *kneads me* *purr*

Me: Yes, I love you too!

Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*


I used to be poor. Then I bought a thesaurus, and now I’m impecunious.


[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half


My 2 yo is currently having the biggest tantrum I’ve ever seen! He’s mad I will not let him open & eat the box of candy* he found.