@samalmightysam

If you receive an e-mail that says: ”FREE JUSTIN BIEBER CONCERT TICKETS” Don’t open it! It may contain free Justin Bieber concert tickets.

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@Gooooats

By the third kid you say stuff like “here’s a dollar. Throw your tooth in the garbage and the Tooth fairy will pick it out later.”

@maratasin

The fact that crocodile ate your enemy, does not make him your friend.

@SardonicTart

Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.

@Fred_Delicious

Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon

@Holy_Mowgli

GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this

@BeeeejEsq

Cat: *purr*

Me: Good morning!

Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*

Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!

Cat: *kneads me* *purr*

Me: Yes, I love you too!

Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*

@shariv67

I used to be poor. Then I bought a thesaurus, and now I’m impecunious.

@CornOnTheGoblin

[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half

@mamamia6212

My 2 yo is currently having the biggest tantrum I’ve ever seen! He’s mad I will not let him open & eat the box of candy* he found.

*tampons