If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
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ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
the FOLD cycle on my clothes dryer isn’t working
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
Cashier: Would you like a receipt?
Me: Absolutely. This was the best Pop Tarts buying experience of my life & it’s going into my scrapbook!
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
This guy blowing through stop signs to get to church on time must be pious as hell.