If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
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People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
Gross negligence implies the existence of tasteful negligence
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
my dream DUI is driving a Saab through the Great British Bake Off tent
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
TSA agent just said the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.
“Keep track of your gifts. Don’t want Santa’s elves to take your toys back to the North Pole”.
The elves wouldn’t do that. That’s not what they do.
Don’t touch me.
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
Glen Powell is short for Gleneth Powelltrow
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
I’d tell you to go to Hell, but i work there and don’t wanna see you everyday.
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.