If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
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If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
normalize having existential bread
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
Embattled politicians resign saying they want to spend more time with their families.
Do their families get a say in this?
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?