If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
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I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line