if you relate to me, get some help
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nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you workedpeople will remember:
– that one time you tried to get in on the friend group’s riff and your joke bombed so hard that it changed the whole vibe
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
what’s in a name?
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.