if you relate to me, get some help
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to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
Delighted to have won the freight contract to help Ukrai… never mind.
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.