Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go

Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.

Husband: you’re late

Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog

Husband: No

Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster

If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them

Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.

Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.

You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?

Trevor in human resources.

The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.

New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?

Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.

New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?

Me: So far? 4 years.

Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.

Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT

look scared

The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.

Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.

Them: We’ve made this idiot proof

Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*

Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.

My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”

Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that

Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.

1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet

2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car

a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs

ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):

Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.

Man: a pack of condoms please.

Cashier: would you like a paper bag?

Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.

I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.

ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal

WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me

Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.

Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.

What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?

Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?