If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
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What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
How times have changed.
dinosaurs are always described as “roaming” the earth which is patronizing as hell i bet they had places to go and important shit to do
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
My daughter’s throat is so sore she can’t talk, so we’re having her go around and kiss all the other kids
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.