Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism

He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.

Coming soon to AMC:

“BAKING BRAD”

I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”

“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend

I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.

Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?

Cow it started Cow it’s going

*watching any crime show*

He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.

I hope Alan is OK

Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.

My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.

I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.

Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads

Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.

Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics

“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.

When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.

want me to check your oil?

Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen

Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?

[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast

dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy

ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much

THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion

My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.

hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button

[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!

Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter

my only contribution to the “parental sleep deprivation isn’t that bad” discourse is that I have averaged less than 5 hours of sleep per night my entire life due to a gene mutation and my parents both deserve medals for not simply putting me in the garbage

Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike

When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things