@AngryRaccoon2

If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.

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@ArfMeasures

DATE: I like guys who show their sensitive side

ME [through mouthful of ice cream] this hurts my teeth

@JesKeepSwimming

Him: “I feel-”

Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”

Him: “-gassy.”

@notacroc

Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*

Bouncer: you still can’t go in

@sixfootcandy

Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.

@BoozyMusic

“Good thing I guessed that today was probably a BYOB situation.”

-me, chaperoning the kindergarten field trip

@DrakeGatsby

Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?

Me: No way, I used a lint roller.

Lawyer: Wait what?

Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*

@honestly_mom

*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead

@Smug_Lemur

*at interview*

Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions