If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
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My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.