DATE: I like guys who show their sensitive side
ME [through mouthful of ice cream] this hurts my teeth
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
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Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
“Good thing I guessed that today was probably a BYOB situation.”
-me, chaperoning the kindergarten field trip
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Him: Can you say more?
Me: I’m also good at directions