Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall

I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.

I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.

They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?

Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.

My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old

“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”

Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu

Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.

You had me at “Bathes regularly”.

“I need a woman like you in my life”

Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol

My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.

9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.

Me: That would be a plane.

9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.

Me: So, a helicopter then.

9: No no small like a drone.

Me: …..

where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.

Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill

quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.

While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.

My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school

We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.

Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?

Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything

mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son

Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters

I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.

My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try

“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.

I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.

Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?

Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.

How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something

Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”

Okay this integrity isn’t going to compromise itself