If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
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Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish