If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.

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Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*


Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.


Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.


I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.

I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.


I never know what to do with my hands during pictures,
so I get it gang members, I totally get it.


I do this thing where I reply “Maybe” to calendar invites I receive from my wife for date nights she’s planned.

I sleep on the couch a lot.


A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings

My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating


WIFE: There’s a rat in the house. Please get rid of it.

ME: Okay.


ME: Son, you shouldn’t have told on your sister. I’m afraid you gotta go.


Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.