Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
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Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
I never know what to do with my hands during pictures,
so I get it gang members, I totally get it.
I do this thing where I reply “Maybe” to calendar invites I receive from my wife for date nights she’s planned.
I sleep on the couch a lot.
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
WIFE: There’s a rat in the house. Please get rid of it.
ME: Son, you shouldn’t have told on your sister. I’m afraid you gotta go.
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.